Dating. Does the very word make you tingle all over with excitement, or quiver with fear? Whatever your take, if you're young, free and single then the Chicklit dating coach Salma Shah has some words of wisdom for you. We've also got some helpful advice from dating experts www.match.com and some interesting stories on how to find the match that's right for you.| How Do You Start Talking About Intimacy? |
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by Priya Tourkow www.intimacyworks.com I often get calls from men who are looking for "more pleasure, more enjoyable sex, something more" in their relationships. They might have heard a bit about the ancient art of Tantra, and think, "It's all about having better sex." They wonder if that's what they need. Sometimes they think they have a problem that's all their fault, and has nothing to do with their partner: "I'm not relaxed enough." "I can't perform well." My first question to them is always, "Have you and your partner talked about this?" The answer is usually, "No, we don't talk about intimacy." In my experience, an intimacy issue in a relationship never belongs to only one person. It belongs to both - it's a dynamic you create together and it's foundational to your love and connection. As an example, we have recently been working with a man, Simon, in his early 40's. He and his first love from school, Nora, (not their real names) got married at twenty. They were each other's first sexual partners. Nora & Simon were both brought up similarly. In their families, sex was a totally taboo subject and there was no physical intimacy or outward evidence of love between their parents. Simon & Nora are acting out in their marriage the same scenarios they experienced when growing up. They never talk about intimate feelings, have little physical contact and don't cuddle. When they do have sex, which is rare, the lights are out, there is no foreplay or loving verbal communication, and it is over very quickly. When Simon came to us he was desperate. He felt completely starved of physical closeness and loving connection. He was clear that he loves Nora, but he knew something important was missing from their relationship. He didn't know what it was and had no idea of how to find it. Simon is finally starting to discover and define what he wants and desires, and - most important - he is starting to communicate his needs to Nora. This is a slow, sometimes even scary, journey for Simon & Nora. But Simon is courageously leading the way and managing to create closeness and loving communication with Nora, without blaming her or scaring her off. The relief he is feeling, as he connects more deeply with the woman he loves, is clearly evident. So what did we recommend to help them? First: TALK and really listen to each other. Own the feelings as your own and share them with your partner. "I feel sad that we aren't making love often these days," or "I feel worried that I'm not enjoying our sex as much as I'd like." Speak about the difficulties and disappointments. Emphasize that you're not blaming, nor are you taking the blame. "I'd love to see what we can do about this together." Second: KEEP ON TALKING and "own" the feelings that come up. And keep on loving each other honestly. Stay away from blaming and keep a sense of loving appreciation for your partner's honesty and vulnerability. Let the love flow. Rest and absorb the new things you're discovering about each other. Look into each other's eyes and let it all unfold. The way forward is gentle and together. You owe it to yourself and your relationship. Do these things and you will have made a great start! |
| Posted: 18/01/2009 20:18:43 |
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